I am what I am

Is expectation a contradiction?

Anmol Mohan

I am what I am.

I am neither good nor bad.
I am neither moral nor immoral.

I am not attached to anything.
That doesn't make me numb.
It makes me love everyone unconditionally.
That gives me the ability to change characters as needed.
But that also makes people who seek permanence sad.
Maybe someday they will understand my role as an actor of life.

But everyone whom I loved and respected,
is left disappointed eventually.
I am not sure if they misunderstand me,
or they understand something that I don't.

So I am scared of people and their expectations
Because they always seem to demand a contradiction.
On the one hand, I am obliged to them for their love and kindness.
On the other hand, I need to kill something in me to give them what they want.
Am I selfish?

But I also figured there are only guidelines in this world.
Every rule can be broken respectfully.
I am no longer scared to be standing alone.
That gives me the ability to play with the boundaries.

I keep encountering that emptiness.
I feel it as a gatekeeper of a party I am not invited to.
It grows as I read books that no one is interested in discussing.
I find it howling in luxurious jungles with walls.

Am I the odd one, the prime number, the outlier?
Will the universe discard me too?
Am I being helpful in any way?
Am I a non-conformist just for the sake of being a non-conformist?
Should I be content with all the mundanities?
Is it disrespectful to the gifts that I have been given?

I certainly don't mean any harm.
I do everything to enable people.
To let them have the power to grab whatever they want.
But how can I give away something that I don't own myself?
Is it justified to suppress the deep and hidden?
Why is it there in the first place?


Anmol Mohan

I am just trying to make sense of this world. I am interested in the hardest puzzles like Consciousness, Humanity and Multiverse. Sharing my honest learning during this journey.